Thursday, April 20, 2006
And the sequel continues...
Today, 姑姑 started the 轰炸ing again. It's damn funny, the way I see it. My mother and I came early and she started talking about yesterday's stuff. In actual, she wasn't scolding 姑丈, she's scolding his brother. 姑丈 was clueless about what happened there and then. Damn innocent, him. She said she was only raising her voice because she cant find him, n that's her NORMAL volume. I was like *raising eyebrows* Her NORMAL volume is equivalent to shouting across a room.
Apparent that was another episode. The woman that came to scold her was 姑丈's younger sister. After scolding her, she went to the other side of the room and start grumbling to everyone. But she called to apologise to my 姑姑 yesterday night. But my 姑姑 aint the kinda person who 息事宁人. My cousin stupidly mentioned something about 姑姑 being very fierce. I mean, yeah, she's damn fierce, but there's no need to say it out aloud. 心里知道就好 hahaha. Then, on the journey to Mundai, my mother aei aei make me sit beside her, and she talked non-stop for the whole journey. That was the third time she repeated the story. Her 丹田 is damn good... but i'm just glad 他们公婆两 didnt quarrel or fight last night.
Its just me and you <3 .
11:29 PM
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
The Wake Triology (Part 1)The Beginning of it allFor people who may not have known by now, my grandmother passed away last saturday. So I was at her wake these few days.
Last saturday, I was singing with my classmates at Teo Heng. Shortly, after dinner, I received a call from my mom, who told me the news. Apparently, the news didn't sink in until later. So I was in a daze when I told the guys in the room, my grandma had passed away. The first question I got was (if I may add, a rather insensitive question),"Then why are you still smiling?" WTF. Pardon my vulgarities, but I must swear. What a no-brainer question. Later on, another person asked me the exact question again. I was damn angry and should I add, hurt, to hear such an accusation. Damn crap. Of course, I will be sad, once that fact registered. WTH is that question for?
The next day, we went down to her wake. It was held at the void deck beneath my 姑姑's flat in Geylang because my AhMa last lived there. In retrospect, my AhMa is sort of a tragic character. She was the second wife of my AhGong (who passed away several years ago of Alzheimer's disease aka 老人痴呆症). She was still well and about when my AhGong passed away. But right after his passing, my AhMa lost the focus of her life and developed Alzheimer's shortly after. *I suspect my father is also starting to develop it, because his memory n hearing often seem to be failing*
She borne 5 children, the eldest being my 姑姑, followed by 大伯，二伯，my father, then my 叔叔. But because 姑姑 is a girl, she's often the last in line for these ceremonies, after 大伯，二伯，my father, 叔叔 and 长孙. In my opinion, it's damn unfair. 封建的华人传统思想习俗... She's the eldest, yet she has to wait in line after all 4 younger brothers AND a 小辈?! I see so much injustice done to the women race in one funeral. My gosh, I can't imagine how much damage Old Sir Confucius have done to the entire Chinese women population since his time.
So my mind was sort of wandering. And I thought, maybe I should convert to being a free-thinker if this is the case. I would never want to impose such trouble and hassle to my children after my passing. God forbids (I use the word God loosely, to refer to any deity or being here). The news of the passing is bad already, surely we could save on the ceremonies and 守夜. (I meant to save on these on my own f*neral.. choi!)
Out of the blue, I was reminded of the show 大长今. When 郑尚宫 passed away, her ashes were scattered into the air, into the sea. What will become of her? I've heard doing that makes one into a 孤魂野鬼. At first, I was seriously thinking of doing the same thing, when my time comes, to save all the hassle. But, in the end, I was rather hesitant because I could possibly become a 孤魂野鬼. I won't dare to experiment that with my own self. Choi!
Back at the wake, we became the "ultimate production line for folded incense paper"! I was like a incease folder machine because there was, simply put, nothing else better to do. Jia ba bo dai ji zho. We are from teochew, so the older generations were mostly conversing in teochew. My sister and I find it exceptionally hard to understand. It seems as if, we were the only ones in the younger generation, who can't listen to teochew. I guess, that had alot to do with my father's heck-care attitude for the family and my mother's dis-inclination towards my father's extended family.
During the first few days, there were some mention of notifying the "other side" of the family. As I have mentioned, in the family tree, we belonged to the branch of my AhGong's second wife. The freud with the first wife runs deep... Read
Trilogy of the Wake (Part 2) 之陈年旧恨 for the full story...
Its just me and you <3 .
9:23 PM
The Wake Trilogy (Part 2)陈年旧恨This part of the family history reminded me of the HK serial 金枝玉孽. Old-age family freud, like 东宫 and 西宫. The ever struggle of dominance over the "old emperor". My AhGong married the first wife in China and came to Singapore, where he married my AhMa. I have no idea why the first wife later came to Singapore, but I suspected it has something to do with her sons. Over these years, they were squabbling over who AhGong should live with. But ultimately, he chose to live with my AhMa. He still lived with her when he contacted Alzheimer's.
But the other side never forgave him or us for his decision. The two families were torn apart by a man's split-second decision. Yet, I was shocked when my mom told me, my father had had dealings with the other side. Business dealings, I was told. My grandma never forgave my father for that. But, I was told, it was another business partner who pulled strings for these two sides to join business. That business folded up many years ago. My father remained harmonious with the other side until I was around 14 years of age, until the day my grandpa passed away.
I was told, today in fact, that we had notified the other side of my grandpa's demise. Yet, no one from their side came to pay respects. I wasn't sure what's the reason for this kinda behaviour. But it's unacceptable, even on my terms. Yet, from my memory, they had been pleasant people. I remembered the first wife, whom I call AhMa as well. She's friendly, always smiling and always hands me a big angbao every cny when we visited them. The 6-fingered 阿伯 and family always treated us with enthusiasm. But my mother told me, they had tried to 私吞公款 during their business venture and kept delaying payments. So much hypocritism, right under my nose. And I didn't realise until now.
Two blood-tied familes. Yet separated by age-old freud. Meaningless, useless freud.
Alot of these stories, I shouldn't be mentioning them here. But they are just too 精彩 to be kept secret. Just don't go around telling everyone. Another 悲剧 character in the family was my 姑姑. I'm going to write on her in part 3 of the trilogy.
Its just me and you <3 .
9:05 PM
The Wake Triology (Part 3)爱恨无间My AhMa's funeral procession and ceremonies were more elaborate than my AhGong's. They had this stage set up, where a made-shift 佛祠 was re-enacted. There were, the last time I counted, 6 backdrops for the stage. In front of these were pictures of deites and lotsa 神台. We even had to walk over this 奈何桥 and throw coins on the way to ask my AhMa to cross the 奈何桥. They even set up this made-shift ancestral hall with 神位. There was even a mini CO to 伴奏 for the praying ceremony. But the praying ceremony took place over an entire day. The relatives, mainly the 5 children, have to sit through the ceremony for the whole day.
Midway through the ceremony, I was suddenly struck by how oddly familiar my 姑姑 looks. Out of the blue, I realised she looked like Mrs Wong (my science teacher in NY, whom I like dearly) and Julie Andrews. I guess it's the same haircut and the whole air. Suddenly, I start liking my 姑姑 all of a sudden.
She's a very interesting character. She's fiery and she has a short fuse. Yet she's friendly to everyone (most of the times that is). She's also the only elder who cares to translate the teochew into chinese for us, namely the teochew illiterates. She taught me a new way to fold incense paper. When she's not folding incense paper with us, she would be mingling with her guests, or talking to the funeral procession people. About what, I have no idea. But she's one helluva mingler. She had two children, a guy and a girl. Both are married and the girl has a 1-year-old son, Adam. 姑姑 loves to play with Adam, who is learning to walk now.
Sometimes, I wonder why do they live in Geylang? Surely, this is no place to raise a child. Little did I know 这大有渊源. But I'll explain matters in the way events unfold and truth unravel. As mentioned, the ceremony took over the period of one full day. Everyone was deadbeat and ready to leave. Before we were able to leave, 姑姑 and 二伯 had a small squabble over money matters. They had quarrelled previously over AhMa's funeral proceedings. My 二伯 wanted a Taoist ceremony, because he was a member of the Singapore Taoist Assoct, and apparently quite high-ranking because he could easily ask 30+ members to pray for AhMa. But 姑姑 wanted to ask a friend to organise all the proceedings. Hence the internal strifle.
That night, while the money matter hadn't been resolved, 二伯 said something about returning home and coming back late tomorrow noon. 姑姑 who had 守夜 for many nights was so fedup, she just blurted in front of everyone,"今晚谁来守夜？Mother 又不是我一个人的!" and stormed away. Everyone was stunned. Wide-eyed. At a loss of words. Amongst the quiet mumblings, everyone was aware of 姑姑's reputable temper. I've even heard her scolding my AhMa 笨蛋，her grandson 笨蛋 infront of us (in a very harsh tone). So when 姑姑 returned back, my mother told her, we'll be returning early in the morning. Before she even exploded, my mother already planned to come earlier to help.
But 姑姑, who has calmed down reasonably so, actually apologised and said quietly that she didn't mean to scold us. Aka she wasn't directing at us. I've known 姑姑 to be a 嘴硬心软 person anyway. A woman with a vengeful bark. Could have an equally poisonous bite as well, you never know. In the end, my parents went back early in the morning to help anyway. 大伯 returned around the same time as they did, but he said the most insensitive words "早知你们会早来，就不用这么早来!" Waulau.....
Talk about siblings' rivalry.
Today's the day my grandma 出殡 and sent to Mandai's crematorium. The initial plan was for 大伯's 结拜兄弟 to carry the coffin onto the van. But slightly before the ceremony, suddenly 杀出个程咬金! 姑丈's younger brother and his "brothers" (apparently he is a triad member and his turf was in Geylang, thus answering why they are living there) showed up to help. Apparently, his brother came to help out of 义气, but those who helped will be rewarded angbao in return. But there wasn't enough angbaos. There was this confusion about who should carry the coffin. It was as if the place suddenly swarmed of gangsters. Damn scary.
Worst of all, 姑姑 suddenly exploded at 姑丈 right in front of all the guests and the gangsters. OMG. I didn't know what happened, or who they were at that time. And because I didn't understand teochew, I was completely clueless. I guess, if they start slashing at us, I won't have a clue why I died. At that time, I was second-guessing 姑姑 even. Why is she lashing at 姑丈 in front of everyone? It's not the first time I've seen her running down her husband in front of outsiders. But today, she's cursing him. I heard snippets of "去死..."
Even while she has returned to her position beside the coffin, she's swearing. Right there and then, the womenfolk were all sitting together and the menfolk on the other side of the coffin. Then suddenly, a woman (apparently 姑丈's relative) came over to scold 姑姑. My mother told us later, the woman had reprimanded 姑姑 for scolding 姑丈 like that, citing it wasn't HIS fault. 姑丈 had also came over, apparently trying to clear things up or to resume the fight, I had no idea. But the relatives and the teng-ki came over to resolve matters. OMG, such a scene at my AhMa's funeral.
At the end of the day, I guessed it was finally sorted out. 大伯's 兄弟 were to carry the coffin, and 姑丈's brothers "protected" the procession of relatives as we trailed behind the van. Talk about protection money. I guess every single one of them got an angbao. 雨过天青，天下太平. But on the way to the crematorium, 姑姑 and 姑丈never spoke a word to each other nor sit near tgt. Oh ya, something interesting to note, my 大伯 was some big shot in SBS I think, cos we always chartered SBS bus for these funeral functions. I almost wanted to throw in busfare when I board the bus to the crematorium. A moment of comical relief.
After my AhMa was cremated and the whole thing came to an end, we distributed stuff and dispersed. In these 5 siblings, I see segregation, disunity. My father didn't stop to think maybe he could help carry things to my aunt's house. There's alot to carry. Or even take some of the food or fruits home. I sense distrust. They have been segregated for so long, now it's difficult to see that blood-ties. Is that unique to brothers or siblings? 姑姑 could hang out rather well with the ladies.
We had dinner, just my parents, my sister and me at Geylang. At the entrance of the restaurant, I saw 姑丈's gangster brother. I didn't even dare to look at him. Scully he bish me up. You must know, he got Arnoldschwagner's muscles! The shirt doesn't seem capable of holding his muscles. During dinner, my mother told us 姑姑 was frequently abused by 姑丈 in the past.
No wonder she had that fiery temper. It's a form of self-defense. No wonder she and her friends speak 粗声粗气的. But she... abused?! OMG, never in my wildest dreams have I imagined anyone I knew to be abused. And of anybody, her! She's the fiercest person I've ever met. Of cos there's alot of firsts today. Like someone remotely related to me is in the triads. But my father added their fights even involved knifes-throwing acrobats. Third parties are involved. Even fourth parties..
My AhMa had once asked my dad to find out how 姑姑 has been doing, and he found her in bruises and cuts. But she told him to promise never to tell AhMa. I guessed AhMa never know, or she'll be terribly heart-broken. I know I am.. for 姑姑. To marry such a person. 姑丈 looks soft-spoken and kind. Kinda a replica of my father. Never would I have guessed. Never. I pity 姑姑. At the same time, I admire her rugged spirit. She deserves better. She does... And I hope she does.
Its just me and you <3 .
9:00 PM
Friday, April 14, 2006
Timo said I'm very pessimistic, am I? Who agrees? Raise your hands.
Everybody better not raise your hands, or I will chop them off. I have violent tendencies, BEWARE. Haha, I must defend myself. It isn't being pessimistic. Rather, it is being introspective. Or maybe I'm overly critical of myself. But I don't find it to be extremely negative, just taxing. Frankly, people need to re-examine themselves at times. To stop and rethink, regroup. To move on. Perhaps, I just happened to do that more often.
I guess I'm a person who doesn't have to be overly happy or overly sad. A fair dose of this and that will work. In the same sense, I like being in the crowds and in solidarity equally. But I have come to know of people who absolutely cannot tolerate loneliness, like Wanlin n Esther. They need some music to preoccupy themselves when they are alone at home, to prevent their imaginations from running wild because of all the weird noises going off in the house.
Maybe my upbringng was different, hence I grew up with a stubborn streak of independence in me. When I was young, every morning my parents used to drive me to the east coast park, where they will take their morning stroll. I would then run wild and free, on my bike or on my blades. I guess that bred my thirst for adventures and excitement in the wild esp.
When did I deviate from the topic? Oh yes, the thing about being introspective. I'm a INFJ, so naturally I is very important to me. Perhaps, I have this tendency to think too deep into things. To ponder over things that others won't even bother to think about.
For example, I was watching Da Chang Jin, then out of the blue, I was struck by how crappy I was. I was seriously pondering why do people craze over shows/stars? Was it an inherent need to find a hero? Or to seek excitement in a dull and unbecoming world? To seek a worthless purpose, which is often as ridiculous as making more money, in a world that makes no sense?
What is the meaning of watching or making films/shows? Why spend so much money, energy and time only to ridicule ourselves? To become clowns who only think of making blockbuster movies and earning big bucks. Or dream of becoming a noble news reporter, yet not realise how miserably small you are contributing to the big picture?
What is the whole purpose? I mean there's a clear direction if we're doing science research. It's for the good of the human race or for whatever purpose we seek. Science even possesses value because it generates revenue, no matter how pathetic that sounds.
On the other hand, why produce films? We could spend eternity choregraphing, coming up with the angles, the plot, the lighting, the lines. Yet, all is done and gone in a flash. We can finish watching a film in at most 3hrs, or a few days for a TV serial. But how much of the show do we remember? How much of the effort put in to produce the show/film do the audience appreciate?
Is film or any form of art just a fleeting image? A consolation for the soul. A piece of driftwood for the seemingly walking zombies or a timeless piece of art? Frankly speaking, I've lost sight of land.
Its just me and you <3 .
1:03 AM
Saturday, April 08, 2006
"Am I a very boring person?"
These few days, these words have been haunting me. Constantly nagging me, and tugging my brains. If I have an ultimate fear, this would be it, to have someone tell me I'm horribly boring. It's one thing to be down-to-earth & serious. But it's a totally different business to be downright boring.
In other words, no life.
Recently, I realised I'm feeling very, and I mean very, lethargic. It's almost like everyday is mundane and routine. Uneventful. Unemotional. Detached. I could drifted through the daily chores n work mindlessly. Returning home to watch TV n feel nothing at all. It's like watching everything with a critical mind and cold eyes. And it's very frightening to realise I don't feel happy when others are, or sad when others are.
Sometimes, I attribute that to the walls of defense I built around me. Or just my indfifferent facade I held up to the whole world. I mean, it's out of habit that I do that, I can't really help it. It takes a huge effort to break it down. Most of the time, it's halfway down and suddenly something triggers the walls to go up, full height. Sometimes, I encounter people who do this as well. I won't spell out who here.
Anyway, this is just, I guess time for self-doubt, and self-assessment. What is my worth? Where do I stand? How should I act? I look around me, I see the people around me confident and happy in their ways. And I just wonder, why do I feel distant or different from them? Why can't I feel as happy as they do? Or, maybe like Mulder, it's just a pangst of self-imposed guilt. Unwanted yet unavoidable act of beating yourself up in order to feel better. Maybe I just think too much.
I'm always oscillating between understanding myself and self-doubting. Then understanding again. I guess it's just a kinda self-analysing process that I must always go through. You know, like visits to the dentist. Brief episodes and far inbetween. Yet important. Hah. Highly probable. It just might be probable....
Its just me and you <3 .
12:49 AM
Human Rights Preservation VS Cultural Differences
Haha, this topic sounds very chim. But in actual, it's just v real and close to heart. I was reading this article in TIME on pornography in Indonesia. Currently, there's a new Indonesian Playboy magazine, late-night sleazy programs & very seductive traditional dances/performances. Although being the most Muslims-populated country in the world, pornography is very real in Indonesia. Hence the religious groups, often Muslim-related, find it a need to eradicate such vices.
Hence, a new set of laws are passed down, banning "pornography". Although the initial intent was rather healthy, because it was out of concern for the women and the children, I find their definition of "pornography" extremely disturbing. There will be no PDA which includes public kissing & indecent exposure by the women. Yet the latter refers to exposure of thighs & shoulders! For goodness sake, so it means women can't wear sleeveless clothes anymore. Being an advocate of sleeveless, I feel strongly against it.
All this talk about furthering women's rights, are they for show or what? Right now, when we're taking a big step towards a little bit of success, we are jumping a leap backwards. And I totally agree with the article. This is, and will be, Indonesia's third bomb. Imagine the damage it would do to tourism. Would female tourists dare to enter Indonesia? I mean, anyone could be jailed or flogged for wearing sleeveless. Quite definitely, there would be abuse of the new laws.
Many local human rights activists and minority groups have strong objections against these laws, as these mainly seem to apply to the majority Muslims. This is, in a way, a violation of their inherent rights. Yet, while they are defending their own interests, it's also important to recognise the importance of eradicating such vices from the perspective of the Muslim community. At the same notes, the Muslim community should also consider the issue from the perspective of their counterparts.
Perhaps, this topic is kinda abit heavy and dull, but it's something I find very strange and feel strongly about. It's almost like a violation of women, of minority groups & of their culture even. Cultures should be allowed to develop freely & progress should not be curbed unneccessarily. Even if it has gone down the wrong path, the govt should diverted its direction, instead of just cutting it short. It does no good to build a blockage across a river, which threatens to flood a village. Because one day, it may just overflow the barricades. Instead, it's more lasting to divert its path away, isn't that so?
Its just me and you <3 .
12:22 AM
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
These few days, I've been having the urge to write something. A fan-fic maybe since I've read quite alot of those these days. It's rather difficult to find something nice and fluffy to read online. Haha, if anyone's interested, here's some links to ClarisseJoseph fanfic, which I've been reading for some time.
Vert fluffy story...
http://grisssaralovelab.com/fanfiction/princessdiaries/fromdutytoloveI.htm
Under Movies - Princess Diaries or Books - Princess Diaries...
http://www.fanfiction.net/l/2177/3/0/1/1/0/0/0/0/0/1/
Actually, I've had a few failed attempts at writing fanfic. One was post season9 x-files. Another was 刑事侦缉档案IV fanfic. Maybe the next time I could write ClarisseJoseph or even 大长今! Haha, maybe later my mother will surf the net and find my fanfic..that'll be damn funny.
Actually, my mother told me (after researching intensively on 大长今 on the internet these few days) it wasn't expected to be such a big hit in the first place. Therefore, quite a few actresses rejected the role of 长今. The girl acting as 连生 was offered the main lead's role, but she rejected it. 李英爱 was roled in the end because she could cry in 10s apparently. Heard she had a terrible breakup with her bf and even withdrew from the showbiz for a period of time. Maybe that was the reason why she could cry so easily.
Frankly speaking, the show 大长今 isn't the best series or show I've ever watched. But there's that apparent unexplainable attraction to it. Very bizarre indeed. Especially during the part the TV is currently showing when 韩尚宫 and 崔尚宫 are vying for the 最高尚宫's position. My whole family couldn't stop watching at this part. But the weird thing about this show is.. there aren't any especially outstanding cast or extraordinary plot. Predictable and Disneyland fairy-tale like. But strangely enticing. I don't know who others are watching for, but I was watching for 韩尚宫 and later 闵政浩. Strangely enough, I realise huizhi and my mother are also sama to me.
Maybe it's because it's a trend to watch this show now. Maybe it's because it's the common topic now. Or because there just aint any other good shows on TV now. Not to say it's a lan show. Of cos it's quite the contrary, but I just can't pinpoint the actual reason. Perhaps, it's just a combination of all these elements altogether. The sadness that engulfs the entire duration of the show. The inherent sorrow in 李英爱's eyes. Or the subtle bitterness of the constant reminders of the past. Or the 似有似无 relationship between the leading actress n actor.
Watching this show, I wondered was it just me, or do Koreans have a culture of crying? Then, do Hongkongers have a habit of self-ridiculing themselves to provoke laughter? Or maybe that's only for Xin ye's movies. The Americans have a tendency towards violence and action, while Singaporeans just have no other channel to complain. It's very interesting when we try to link the cultures of each countries to the movies they produced. Haha, maybe watching movies is a way to tour the world and learn cultures as well.
Its just me and you <3 .
10:10 PM
Highly recommend this song to you. Esp the lyrics, very meaningful. Very powerful.
"Because Of You" by Kelly Clarkson I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
[Chorus:]
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
[Chorus]
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
Its just me and you <3 .
10:07 PM