Monday, December 26, 2005
Sometimes, I pity leo. He's there for piper, phoebe, paige, chris, wyatt. But has he ever been there for himself? Thank goodness he has piper. That's a bit of a consolation, considering how little attention he is paying to himself. I guess I can relate. I mean I've seen people like him (But i just refused to admit that there are other people like leo...), i'm not saying i'm as noble as him k.
Anyway, considering leo's impending fate, it's not good luck to be like him anyway. Hopefully dun end up the same way as he does. But still, being there for everyone but urself is noble/selfless, but selfish to urself. When will people learn to take care of themselves?
That advice can apply equally to me la.. I'm referring to the paying attention to myself, i dun fit the noble-act for others-type. Sometimes it's not like i dun tewl others stuff. U ask ppl online, i tok more online than in reality. It's just that sometimes the atmosphere is lacking. Or i hate talking. Basically i hate to talk alot, so if u know the stuff (through wadeva channels i dunno), n i'm okay with it, i will talk. If not, bye bye. Try as hard as u may, i'll not sae abit. I'm tight-lipped.
Sometimes i feel like i tend to zi zuo duo qing. Not only in relationships, but also frenship. Sometimes i feel like we are v close frens, but actually i'm not so sure of that. maybe i'm just one of the many good friends. Well, it all boils down to how different people treat friends differently. I'm a close-knitted person. So if i tell you v private stuff, u're the rare few. It's not like i go around telling everybody the same private stuff.
Or maybe like what others think, my type is the more sensitive, think-too-much type. Sometimes some things just warrant my attention. U can say i'm stubborn or what, but i learnt that if i care so much abt whether what i'm saying is right or wrong, i just end up doubting myself. In the end, i end up in self-doubt, i cant differentiate what's wrong or right. So stubborness is sometimes impt for building self-esteem. but of cos, change my stubborn opinion takes abit of time, gentle coozing is better than direct rebuttal.
Sometimes, i have my own opinions. But i frequently find myself being rebutted by people. I'm not exactly sure if it's becos i'm truly wrong, or if the person is really just stubborn and close-minded. As time goes by, and i chose to believe whatever rebuttals they say, i start to doubt myself. So much so... i lost sight. But when i start seeing things in my view, they don't seem wrong to me. That's not exactly a clear-cut right or wrong take in most things. So i tot, maybe my way works as well. But when i stay on to my take, people start saying i'm stubborn. Hey i never say u're stubborn before k!
Anyway, some things i just left unsaid. So that things wun look ugly. Truth is.. sometimes i'm not sure i'm right also. Sianz. Sometimes there are really these signs in front of u.. i just cant ignore it. To interpret it in wadeva ways? Make a fool of urself? I jus dunno which route to take. Or i may end up being overly sensitive or xiang-tai-duo column. Eh... my fate... So ya... X-files slogan: I want to believe.
Its just me and you <3 .
12:25 AM
Sunday, December 25, 2005
hey peeps! I just read huimin's blog on Mulder n Scully n eh... recommend some stories to u all... go gossamer when u are too free or sian... got some nice stories
I just read this recently. SMUT. Fluffy plot, but suitable for Xmas... Got NC-16 n R rating, but abit only... i think. have fun reading! N anyone from my class reading this, send me, msn me any photos! Esp prom! If not i cant publish the video.
This is part of a series of 5 stories...
click on Donna's Kid Stuff if u know their story before, it'll be very sweet. I don't know how others who have not read their story before would react...
Its just me and you <3 .
2:16 PM
i'm telling this... this site is farnie.... http://twochineseboys.blogspot.com/
Its just me and you <3 .
3:24 AM
Hohoho XMAS here. Prehaps, Santa would pay me a visit later to drop me a gift? Haha, but i'm kinda overaged for that liao. Anyway, yesterday our class went to esther's house for XMAS bbq cum stayover. Haha.. quite alot ppl turned up, about 16? Den 12 stayed over. A rather big number, i must say, considering the size of esther's house.
We had a bbq, which is alright, considering three of us are making cocktail upstairs and came down to find almost everything gone. Well, we did manage to salvage cheese, sambal prawns and the leather-jacket! Superb! Altho we should have used esther's sambal, it's more tasty. Then we started dipping hotdogs into this melted cheese plate we made, wonderful! Heavenly man, just like the one we buy at $1 in school.
Anyway then it came to present exchange!! WOah woah... haha i got meihui's present, which turned out to be rather nice. But very similar to timo's prez from hk. Timo got a winnie e pooh letter holder, and meihui got a similar design of a bear. Haha... such a coincidence, or maybe.. not? 心有灵兮一点通! i hope i never choose the wrong chinese words.
Anyway, talking about chinese. I'm so angered by my boss, who asked me if i'm a non-Singapore. In other words, he was referring to me as a PRC. Okay. Fine, i'm alright with PRCs. But to be referred to as one, not on one, but on two occasions, but two diff ppl is.. sian. Fuming. The mood at the treated lunch worsened drastically. But it wont stay that way for long, considering my another boss being all chippy and talkative kind.
Anyway back to the prez, yuling got my prez! hahah lucky gal, thanksfully none of the guys got it. It'll be a waste of my effort. At least gals are more deserving of it, considering the quality of their prez. Haha actually i'm not that sure of e details, but just heard wanlin telling me dun get ivan's prez, which he said sux. Haha but wanlin still got it in the end, chocolate. Haha. I just dunwan to get chocs. Haha and i didnt! Anyway me prez is this cute photo album, which is not even half-filled with photos, cos it's too ex to complete the whole album. Of cos, I added photos of the class or some group photos. hAha... so yuling has to fill up the rest on her own liao.. Paiseh.
Haha... but everyone got their share of happy n sad! Actually this is the first time, I saw present-giving, instead of exchanging during xmas. So it's very fun to see everyone opening their own prez, one by one, and crackling over each gift. Damn funny. Haha.. so maybe that's what xmas is all about.
Den the stayover was tired, with mahjong (keep losing to 5 or 4 tais) so i went over to play cards (which i also lose, considering my anyhow-play n my half-alert mind, that's huo gai). Haha so we went to sleep in es's room. Comfy! Den timo joined us and we talked lor... with mee's break... until 630 before we fell asleep. i reached home at 2 and slept until now. So i'm gonna eating dinner, like right now! So TAta Cya N merry xmas!
Its just me and you <3 .
12:22 AM
Sunday, December 18, 2005
I want to spam my own blog. Tml's another day of work followed by 4 days of work. And I have to do xmas shopping. I've sorta finished the 2 xmas gifts. Omg. I haben. So i need to finish those 2 gifts and letters and den do the xmas shopping. Great.
Mind it, on top of 9 hours of work, and trying to finish the class video. Oh ya.. i finish sorta the first one. This one includes most, if not all of j1 pix i have and abit of j2. But i haben add the vid and the teachers part. Alamak. Still got alot to do. And trying to find the best way to send via email to every1. The file is so big. Gosh.
5 more days to xmas party. I hope I am let off work early. Make me come at 7 i also dun mind. Den i can stayover and have a hell of a time at esther's hse.
Its just me and you <3 .
9:36 PM
I like walking in the city during the evenings. The skies are semi-dark and a shade of blue and orange. Although I'm part of the crowd rushing home, it still feels serene to be walking there. It's weird how I'm part of the working class rushing home from work when I'm only 18. I've not even finished university.
Well, fact is, I was pondering about all those scholarship and universities stuff. My mother was like asking me why didn't I just try to apply for the dsta scholarship. Well, I'm torn. I want, but I don't want as well. To her, it's like it's a chance to garner more experience etc etc. But, I just opt for the easier way out, to lessen the pyschological stress scholarship interviews will impose on me. Seeing my cousin's funeral and all, stress is a dreadful thing. Like my mother said, don't get so easily stressed out, so I'm following her advice, ain't I? Get rid of those unnecessary stress.
Oh ya, I just realise I haven mentioned anything about my cousin's funeral and all. I'm not v sure if it's right to talk about it on the blog and all. But since I've done nothing wrong to Ah Kiat, I hope his family don't read and blame me for writing. Anyway Ah Kiat is my distant cousin from my father's side. I've not seen him for many years because we don't always meet during cny at my grandma's house. I almost forgot him. But that morning, my mother told me Ah Kiat passed away.
He's very young, only in his twenties. I was told he was abit like ah wang, if u get what i mean. But he's very filial and all. He fell from his apartment, where he lived with his parents and his sister. The case is still under investigation i think. Well, I accompanied my mother to the morgue at outram park, SGH. Kinda weird, coming to the morgue, when some time ago, I was thinking of working there. And I must say, the atmosphere is very very contagious.
I see my aunt, Ah kiat's mother, and his sister crying. Alot of people are crying and most red-eyed. Maybe it's because I don't really remember Ah Kiat, or I'm too young, or the main purpose I came was to accompany my mother. It's v saddening to see everyone so sad. The atmosphere was v solemn. Ah Kiat's father, my da bo, was surprisingly calm, but I notice his teary eyes. Da bo stayed with his brothers, namely my father they all, and were discussing what could have compelled Ah Kiat to jump.
Some suspect it was a case of suicide over failed relationship, cos the night before his gf sms him something. There are versions of the story like the woman is a married woman. Then my uncle said, it could be due to compounded reasons: his job, his mother, his relationships problems etc. My mother initially thought it might be an accident, happening in the early morning and after he ran and all. It's surprisingly how he can go running and then come back committing suicide.
Seriously, I have no idea why. I'm in no position to comment anyway. As a relative, all I can do is wish him all the best wherever he is. His mother, sister and aunties cried terribly when they were loading him up the truck to be brought to the crematories. The thing was, we had to share a bus with the direct relatives of Ah kiat. On the bus, the atmosphere was even worse. Before that, I could stand afar and keep a distance away. On the bus, we were sorta "trapped" in the v depressing mood.
Da bo was very remarkable. I could tell he's holding a facade for everyone's sake. It is in these times we really notice the drastic differences between the female and the male species. The guys, no matter how sad they are, have to hold on to their facades to get things done. At any moment, anyone can burst into floods and floods of emotion and everything can just stagnant. To my surprise, Ah kiat was cremated on the same day. My mother said that's the norm for the young people. No placing at the void decks for 7 days etc.
My mother also cried. I didn't know what to do. I can't like what the movies show, hold her in the arms and console her. Fact is, I don't do well with sobbing or crying. If you want silent company, I can do that. But words of consolation, I'm a mute in that aspect. The most I could do, is not crying in front of her. In fact, I think I'm well looking too "cool". All the women there are crying except me.
At the crematories hall, before the actual process commences, those younger than Ah Kiat were supposed to go forward to offer our prayers. Only two went up, Ah Kiat's sister and me. Weird thing is my mother told me to try to avoid being the first few, like avoid the frontline as far as possible. But then, I was the one, offering incense and praying for Ah Kiat. It seems hurtful and disrespectful if I don't go forward right? But the thing is, his crying sister is beside me, and my face is like what Ice Queen? Won't that seem even more disrespectful?
And when i think more about it, gosh, I think there's deja vu. I actually dreamt about this before? I meant the whole place was very very cold in appearance. Sleek decor. But very cold in nature. Then we witnessed the actual crematation. I was trapped in one corner by grieving relatives. Grieving is seriously an understatement. They are howling and flinging themselves when it's apparent how things are irreversible once his body is cremated.
All these is seriously so new to me. Yes, I've been to another funeral before, my grandpa's. But his was more expected, more gradual. He died of old age and Alzheimer. Ah kiat passed away suddenly, of reasons yet unknown. He's 20+. The grief level is higher on the Richter scale. omg. On the journey to the temple, I was set thinking about alot of things. The relatives have quietened down. Only occasional sobs are heard. At the temple, the monks and ic said not to cry. Let him RIP. It's ironic how we mock fun at the words RIP, when at that actual moment, only RIP is the most appropriate word of consolation.
Maybe, everything does happen for a reason.
Its just me and you <3 .
8:49 PM
Saturday, December 17, 2005
If I like someone, will i confess to that person?
If I'm wanlin, I will say no, NEVER! Haha... wanlin is this conservative woman living in the eighteen century where an open confession of her love is forbidden. Like the forbidden fruit. Because there's this theory that once a woman says YES, the guy will auto lower her value down. Is that true? Ask the guys.
If I'm huimin, I will say yes, why not?! It's the twentyfirst century, for goodness sake. Women are liberated. We should be given the freedom to declare my feelings openly. Don't be bound by conventions.
But if it's me.. ermz... this is a very interesting question. It depends. See if it's worth it. Must calculate the percentage of success and failure. Weigh the pros and cons. Evaluate the following factors:
1. Status of friendship/relation
2. Family status
3. Friends' influence
4. Time
5. Place
In short, tian shi de li ren he. Fine. That sounds like total crap to me. And it's different for guys and gals. Guys is more straight-forward, i think. I mean, they have done this for centuries, they should have gotten used to it rite? Gals. Well, there's the whole li yi lian ci stuff. Don't want to be labelled a shao fu or fa chun. Lots of funny funny extra things to think about.
Why am I writing about this? Haha. Cos i find this a common topic amongst teenagers today. Haha. Like I'm not part of the teenagers crowd. I mean I turn here and I turn there, almost everyone around me faces this problem. And me? Haha, seems like I'm a ju wai ren. Seems like. Sad.
I'm reading these princess' diaries. It has alot of funny ways like passing lovenotes and poems. Grossly cliche but workable. Flowers from guys. Open declaration, which almost always doesn't work if u embarrass the gals in public. Am i fa-ing chun? More like I'm fa-ing feng. haha. V interesting and amusing. Maybe it's the whole ns thingy at work. Or xmas's power is affecting everyone. Eh... interesting...
Its just me and you <3 .
10:55 PM
Sometimes i prefer writing in diary. As in physically using a pen and paper. At least i get to practice writing. Okay... let's see.. well e job kinda sux. Boring.. tedious. And the thing is i dunno how to operate the phone functions. Only understood abit like on friday.
Actually i could learn alot from working. Not only the EQ part, or the how-to-treat-boss part. There's the real world aspect to learn, and how i will fare in the actual world. And learn somesort of humanity. Cant really put it in words. it's just life's like that. What i wish for and what is real is always contradictory. Maybe i just expect too much about humanity. Who ask me to be sagittarius? Have too many idealistic expectations of humanity.
Sometimes it gets real disturbing or disappointing being pulled down from my ideals into the real world. I mean, having ideals are good rite? But e down part is getting pulled down. Maybe it's because i expect too much from everyone? I'm not too sure. Ya... like someone said.. i'm a perfectionist, now I'm seeing more and more sense of her words.
Well, fact is i detest fakery (if there's such a word). Or i loathe deception. Like someone points out, i take note of things that are usually very minute and often overlooked by others. Altho i dun really get what he's referring to, but i guess it's because i cant stand dishonesty. Sometimes, i just stand myself. Because i can be dishonest. Farnie how i hate myself.
So i use arid/acid comments to force people to recognise their fakery and to try to correct them. Okay hell, i dun mean to sound all preachery or wah, but fact is I cant help lecturing abt them to face their true feelings. Sometimes i dun even noe if I'm right abt them deceiving themselves. It gets real tiring trying to decipher whether they are bluffing themselves or not, i just use my instinct. I learnt to trust my instincts over e years.
Maybe my instinct aint too good at predicting who likes who, or who hates who, but well, I'm still relatively well to detect if someone is real or fake. And for the utter time i'm saying this, i hate fakery. Okay... to clarify, nobody has been terribly fake to me like today... but I've met a fair share of people. I mean.. u fake me nvm, dun fake urself and den tell me u aint. Fedup.
Okay.. fine.. i have some pent-up frustration. Like who doesnt. Wad's a blog for or a diary for, right? I can be real stubborn at times. But it doesnt mean i dun recognise e fact that diff people have diff opinions. I respect their opinions, but it doesnt mean i have to have the same opinions or agree. What's individualism when there must be conformity rite? Sounds contradictory rite? To sum it up, I'm this neutral but opinionated person. contradictory!
Its just me and you <3 .
10:39 PM
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Damn... I'm in this mega piper-saca mood. And i have no idea why. Mabbe i do, but mabbe i don't. Ya get what i mean? Super pissed for no reason. Over what? I have no idea. Hormones maybe. Stupid.
Maybe it's just people pissing me off. Maybe. Maybe not. Or it's just me. Grumpy, complaining, but never, never whining. Sux. I dun feel excited or spirited. Mabbe plan until i sian liao. Reminds me of vnr. Roll eyes. I mean i just suddenly feel like doing that. Funny why does rolling eyes relieve piss-ness? Is there even such a word? Wadeva.
Sian. I dun even feel like watching tv. It's like people giving me the fei-ji. Lots n lots of it. Dunno. Suddenly i'm feeling like ppl are getting self-centered. The thing is... it's subconscious zi-lian-ness. Sigh. Pissed. Frustrated. Bottled up frustration. I need something to vent on. *roll eyes
Its just me and you <3 .
10:02 PM