Friday, September 30, 2005
Haha... these few days got lots of class gathering time rite. So got more interactions outside yew. Notice some very interesting things, but too sensitive to post on blog. So i will not give details. Like after i know this person got something for another person, then i can observe this slight change in the former. Sometimes the action is so minor, it almost seems sub-conscious, yet it can get so obvious.
Without naming anyone, like urging people to hurry. Being the time-noticer suddenly, when all other times the person is always the one lagging, slacking slowly. Ok most of the time. Suddenly because dun want to inconvenience a person, it's like unconsciously doing this kinda of small things.
Sometimes, it's like getting slightly worked up or upset cos a change in plan will devoid a chance of spending time with that person. It's interesting and funny for me to notice such things like an onlooker. And the most amusing thing is me myself cant even be sure if this is true, or i just infer wrongly. If I try to verify by asking those involved, maybe they won't even realise they are doing these things. Denial will be what i get.
There is always this slight difference in attitude when one person is treating someone he/she likes when u compared to him/her treating a normal friend. Be it a difference in tone, facial expression, tolerance level. It's like a sore thumb that sticks out. Sometimes, between a couple (okay now this is obvious who i'm referring to), there is often the 眼神交替. It's funny why suddenly out of the blue i'm noticing this. Maybe the outsider can see these things more clearly.
Or perhaps, it's cos my sixth sense is damn good. can sense this things. Well, ok, i think it's rather accurate. Okay maybe not so at predicting who crushes who, that kinda shit, BUT sometimes i know it when somebody is particularly uncomfortable abt a topic or a person or what we are talking about. 可以见好就收. Maybe i can make a good counsellor. Good listener, can analyse and then offer advice. Even my sec form teacher said i have a calming effect on people. Haha, wad am i? A tranquiliser? People come to me for advice, that's something different. Maybe.
Its just me and you <3 .
11:40 PM
I'm in mega blogger mood today, so lots of entries. Got this off zebra's blog.. get-to-know-me session.
Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. Spend more time, if not all, with loved ones
2. Watch sunset with them
3. Cry
4. Say sorry to those i'll leave behind
5. Write a will/letter
6. Divide my property, if i have any, so they won't fight
7. Do whatever i want for a day, live life like i never live before
Seven things I could do: (i mean, what kind of question is this?!)
1. Eat and sleep
2. Keep quiet
3. Counsel people? At least give sound advice
4. Watch lots of tv and critic them
5. Formulate dreams and live in them (i'm running out of ideas, so getting crappy)
6. Play pranks on people, esp Wanlin
7. Play physical games, esp ball games (racket or ball)
Seven celebrity crushes: (crushes mean i cant write gals rite, that'll make me homo)
1. Gallen Lo 罗嘉良
2. Tony Leung 梁朝伟(v nice eyes)
3. 萱萱(Why cant i write gals?! so ma fan! but hell, i dreamt of her b4 so can la)
4. 三娘 (I only like this character, not necessarily the actress hor)
5. Scully n Mulder (i just happen to look at my display pix. They didn't say cant include couples rite)
6. I can't think of anymore....
Seven often-repeated words:
1. 白痴 (someone influenced me)
2. 废话
3. 什么鬼?
4. 去死
5. Aiya
6. Shit
7. Haha
Seven physical traits I look for in the opposite sex:
1. Got eyes, nose, mouth, ears, eyebrows, hands, legs, body and is alive
2. Expressive face
3. Nice eyes
4. Has to be human, i don't like other species or other planetary occupants
5. Really, i dun care much abt looks....
Seven tags go to:
1. Wanlin
2. Timo
3. Meihui
4. Huimin
5. I will spare the others... haha.
Its just me and you <3 .
11:08 PM
| You Are 80% Boyish and 20% Girlish |
You have a tough exterior - and usually a tough interior to match it.
You're no nonsense, logical, and very assertive.
Sometimes you can't understand women at all, even if you're a woman yourself.
You see things rationally, and don't like to let your emotions get the best of you. |
Its just me and you <3 .
10:52 PM
有个朋友讲了些话, 让我想到萱萱讲过的一句话. 小时候, 总以为有爱,天下一切都没问题. 长大了, 才明白感情这回事, 除了爱之外, 还有很多其他因素, 顾虑. 有时, 单单只有爱是不够的. 有些人, 有时是因为身老病死, 有爱但依然等分开. 有的, 是因为误会累积导致分手收场. 有的是由于莫种家庭环境影响, 信念不同而分开. 种种的种种真实了她的话. 爱真的不能大过一切吗? 有的人渴望爱. 但单单有爱, 就能保证会开花结果, 能战胜一切吗?
别误会, 我可没有堕入爱河, 所以才感触良多. 有些人就是那么感性, 喜欢写一些这种话题, 不行吗? 有点厚脸皮, 讲自己. 不过是真的啊! 好像讲一些气愤的话, 暴力的话, 也不可能真的复诸行动嘛. 同样的道理.
所以, 有爱就不是 dai sai (canto). 对于我那个朋友, 种种原因, 毕竟我也不太了解他们本人, 事情的因果, 的确也很难判断熟是熟非. 只好独善其身. (纯属我个人意见)其实, 我相信一个人尽管做错了一件事, 也不置于从此被世人唾弃. 熟能无错. 虽然我不赞成女方的行为, 当但是想想, 如果我是男的, 我也不置于恨她. 气当然, 不过恨, 也不置于.
谁没有在爱情上迷惘过? 被冲昏头做错事, 真的算错吗? 就算是杀人犯, 要是被证实是在神智不清, 出于冲动冲昏了所有理智杀人, 也有可能被判无罪. 我相信很多人都有曾经, 一时冲动, 做了一些超乎寻常, 超乎理智的事. 所以真的需要恨吗? 不错, 她的确做错了, 不过就像囚犯一样, 我们就不能再给他们一个机会吗?
有时, 有些人因为被伤过, 会以恨来保护自己. 这是所谓的, 只有极爱才会转变成极恨. 但有时宽恕也未成不是一种解脱. 难道分了手的情侣, 一定不能成为朋友? 难道真的没有覆水重收这句话吗? 我可没有在劝莫莫人跟她重修ZHEN好, 不过是想奉劝思想别太偏激. 以上废话如有得罪之处, 纯属无心之过, 尽请原谅.
Its just me and you <3 .
9:39 PM
Now i xue guai liao, cos people keep telling me my entries get kinda long. So next time i will split up the entry and post by different entries, then it will appear shorter? Illusion, you see.
马小玲. Cold at the surface, but warm in the heart. A cynic by appearance, but a very passionate person. It's like, out of the blue, suddenly people in my class get addicted to the show, Date with Vamp III. But I still prefer the first two versions. The 人 look nicer in the second one, and the love story is more substance than in the third. Still, in this 3rd session, the plot's more intriguing, but damn confusing. It's like i wanna sleep through the first parts of the show la. But once u understand, everything makes sense. But sometimes, the sense is nonsense. It gets even more ridiculous at the end. But still, i watch it over and over again for 4 times, perhaps? Who's the most ridiculous one?
陈十三. He also wrote 倩女幽魂. Same sets for the background. Same computer effects. Similar names, 完颜无泪, 无泪之城. Same camera shots. All quite sama. It's a wonder why the shows i like always happen to be his works. And a wonder, why i always like and still curse the plot the same time. Plot that make no perfect sense. Aiya, cham, i watch so many hk shows until i can pick out which scene use which location to film liao. 酒店风云 and 十万吨情缘 pick the same small harbor with the wall to film. But hk's small too, not surprising to see they reuse locations. They always use the same spot of Victoria harbor also. Haha, it's like i've not been to hongkong, but i know some places liao. Madness.
看完我跟僵尸有个约会III之后, 没有II的感动, 还是震撼. 也没有马小玲为况天佑流下第一滴泪时的激动.总之, 就是缺乏了X FACTOR. Climax 也 climax 不了. 陈十三就是 ending 都写的不好. Sigh.
Its just me and you <3 .
9:06 PM
Saturday, September 24, 2005
一个不懂爱的人, 不配被爱或爱人.
一个伤人的人, 也应该被伤.
Its just me and you <3 .
10:35 PM
拜莫人(IDIOT ZEJIA) 所赐, 得回答一个问题: 要说说自己的怪辟,还是特殊的习惯?
好奇怪的问题. 好选不选选我. 真是的. 好事没我份, 坏事总是跟着来.要听些什么? 半夜发疯, 逢人必骂? 费话一笼统. 给我先出些闷气. 应该说, 要是我开始疯一些东西, 就会东拉西扯, 做很多神经的事. obsession. 好像, O LEVELS 时, 疯倩女幽魂.PRELIMS 疯 CHARMED. 终之, 是在不应该疯的时候疯. 神经质.
现在应该要陷害其他人了了. 不要害太多. WANLIN 就好. 小姐, 要在 BLOG 上 REPLY HOR. DEN 点5 MORE PPL.
Its just me and you <3 .
10:02 PM
Yesterdae went shopping n watch sheng hua. E plot rather nice, and v innovative. Qin shi huang de tomb so unique sia. Aiya u go watch n will know. But i yi pian watch yi pian ma. Jackie Chan is a chauvinistic. He cant watch for women to kuan yi jian dai for him. Damn erks. Like every gal he meets like to like him, worship him. Den every guy has to worship him as idol, as their general. Cant stand it. Okay... i'm not a fan of him, dun sue me. Just dun like his movies. Mabbe if he makes movies with more conscience, den i will start respecting him ma. But e action is good, as always.
Its just me and you <3 .
9:35 PM
Saturday, September 17, 2005
有时想想, 人来到这世界是孤零零一个人的. 要交代的也不过是自己一个. 当一切归零的时候, 也不过就你一个人. 所以很多事都不该太介怀.
有时, 你在做一件事情的时候, 有没有想过后果会怎样? 介意别人会怎么想? 怎么看你? 到底有这个必要吗? 还是这只不过是杞人忧天. 太多的顾虑, 有时别人会觉得你很为人着想. 不过有时, 那只不过是在自己身上增加束缚. 何必呢?
有的人认为, 读过书的人就很聪明. 会想的人, 就会被上天眷顾. 但是有时侯, 过多的想象, 往往让人增添烦恼. 一个简简单单的事, 可以变得很复杂. 相反的, 复杂的也绝对可以变的很简单. 有时, 人常常会把简单的变复杂, 那又有多少人能让复杂变简单. 那可是一门学问.
聪明的人喜欢解剖复杂的事, 把简单的变复杂. 简单未成不美.往往最简单的就越美.简单就是美. 比如说, 现在你也许会在解剖我为什么会写这些话? 是有自杀倾向啊? 还是家庭不合, 还是感情问题啊? 我的目的, 只不过是要大家, 稍微的停下来. 不要在忙着充当心理学家, 静静的享受.
不管, 写这凡话的目的是什么, 有时追究这么多有什么用?
Its just me and you <3 .
2:45 PM
Monday, September 12, 2005
What's real acting?
Anyway like in my previous post, before the internet explorer hang on me, i was talking abt some things i notice abt shows. Cos i'm into charmed now, and if u dun watch abit of it, dun blame me, cos all the examples i can quote are from there. but if u do, good mate! Like i WAS saying (i'm still fuming at the com for hanging), i dunno if others take note of the nitty-gritty like i do, but i watch out more of the acting, u noe.
For eg, i notice the small actions, the slightest emotion shift or just even a slight raise in the eyebrow. These often conveys more words than a whole dialogue or lines. Like in that scene, in the magic school library, when leo told piper he cant, he wun go back with her, take note of piper's reaction. First the eyebrow, v slightly raised, then the cracking of the voice, then the turning away and trying to disguise her emotions. How are you suppose to pull that off without that whole bit of acting? Try phrasing it into words. [Madeup dialogue] "No leo, please dun! I cant take it" That's so 60s. The most appropriate reaction is that exact shift in emotion. Subtle, yet powerful.
Another scence, the episode piper and leo changed powers, cos they were quarrelling, or their unborn son wyatt used his power to switch them. Then leo was saying Not the crying thing. And then piper was literally breaking into uncontrollable sobs. Not tears, but sobs, and minutes ago, they are arguing fierously. How do u change from being angry-angry to teary-teary, while at the same time, angry-wailing. Take my hat off.
I'm always looking out for these small bits, really. Like u watch wujiandao, Wu2zhen4yu3 cried in one scene. He used his finger to flick that single drop of tear at his father's funeral. It's that minor. In an interview, he said sometimes, that small action conveys a stronger message, that's all that's enough. That's real acting. Not all those hualala the crying, that's akin to tears pouring, literally.
What do i watch shows for? Not only the emotional upheaval, but these small nitty-gritty. That's real subtle. that's why i like piper most, her acting is the best amongst the sisters. Sorry for those who like Phoebe, i still cant find those "magical moments" with her. But piper's got ALOT, even leo. paige got this england-style dark humour, which i don't really share. And they often got this after-thought words that spew out after the main dialogue. v weird.
okok i guess say so much, if u all dun share my sentiments, also no use. Quite sad no one seems to care so much of details as i do. That's where all the fun is, really. Sigh. tata~ Good luck for prelims anyway!
Its just me and you <3 .
6:16 PM
Grr.. this blogger gave up on me just now, wipe my entire new entry clean. It HANG ON ME! Dammit. Now i have to rewrite what i wrote. Nvm. Improve my english, hopefully. Talking abt an understatement. Anyway, now's a stupid time to be blogging, u know. But hell, i'm here anyway.
I was, u know, frustrated why the chem isn't going through my thick skull. Apparently, i'm all mixed up with K and rate and EA, and the effect of catalyst on it. Why it doesn't affect K, tt sort? I always tot catalyst affects K? Ok anyway, wadeva. Who cares.
So apparently, i came online to read some charmed transcripts. I have no idea who did all those, but great job anyway. I was reading this wed's episode. 150th episode apparently. Going on strong, still, i must say. Into it's 8th season, hopefully not as ill-fated as Xfiles. Better not stop the show when i'm starting to really like it.
Anyway like i was saying, people, i'm not suicidal, i'm not going to jump off a building or wad. I appreciate ur concern, suddenly every1 seems concern or my blog just seems crowded. And i dont even need to look at a counter to know. Anyway like i was saying, u know the series LOST? kinda an apt descriptor for me, presently. But hell, who's not lost in this era? Haven u wondered, what the hell u are doing in sch? Studying something, like abt the pancreas, when u will probably have no use of it in ur future job anyway.
Sometimes, maybe we just dun have to be so clear-minded. What's right and wrong? All self-imposed worries. neurotic. A new word i learnt. Someone asked me how to improve gp. My advice, get obsessed with a show, english show, den research all the fan fiction or transcripts. Read them, it's easier to improve your vocab in the fun way. Download more episodes, then watch them. If they watch them over and over for sufficient times, your verbal english will definitely improve. That's how my eng improve before Os, but it worsen after Os, cos i stop obsessing with xfiles.
So anyway, now it's charmed. I don't really care if i'm getting the wrong signals from media, from cult culture. Or like my gp tutor says, turning into mindless zombies who feed obsessively from the tube to feed their bottomless void. I'm putting words into her mouth, but that's the gist anyway. I don't care. I enjoy it. Like i said, maybe i should just enjoy the moment, and forget the past, the future.
Its just me and you <3 .
5:53 PM
Friday, September 09, 2005
Juz felt like tagging tt last entry. It's a nagging thought i have just got.
Anyway like i was saying... i watch alot of tv. Charmed esp. Like Phoebe said, women validate feelings. I do need a validation of feeling right about now. I mean I didnt feel like going to MAF. At all. That thing is after i know wanlin n company is not going. Well, that was a bonus. I don't feel up to it anyway.
Suddenly the impulse to go for class outings aint there anymore? Like the muse just stop whispering into my ears and nudge me to step out of the house. Like i'm glued to my room, to the tv or com, but nowhere near the school. Damn, i don't understand why. In the back of the mind, clearly, MAF does seem fun. But this year's MAF wun be the same as last year's. At least, not in a way i noe.
But what i don't understand is where is this coming from? All the class thingy is getting into me? Me becoming anti-social, as yours truly phrase it herself. Or...plain 厌世 sentiments. Let's just say I should be sorting out some issues on my own before venturing back? Perhaps. Or i'm just making all this up? Aiya... seriously i dun care. I'm not even trying to validate my feelings or make any sense out of it. I don't even know what i am blabbering.
Enough of which, it's rather funny how a guy just offered me some rather insightful advice to my dilemna. But guys, still, wun and dun validate feelings.
Its just me and you <3 .
11:42 PM
世界不会因为你停止旋转.
Its just me and you <3 .
11:19 PM
Yozzie... sigh mugging mugging sad life. So i came here then saw this interesting i dunno who hu tagged. Interesting new character... anyway these few days been mugging and i must admit i'm not e most diligent super-mugger around. In fact, i was enjoying myself. The time i spent sleeping and watching tv cant even amount to the hours i spent on the books. In short, i'm pretty much enjoying my mugging time and "holiday week".
Well, i mug for a few hours. Or less than an hour. Get hungry. get up go n grab a bite. N flop myself onto e sofa, turn on tv, surf through e channels and landed at kids central. All through the week, i'm diligently following pokemon at 1230pm. Sometimes if i wake up earlier, i watch the channel newsasia. i think i watch more news this week than the combined past 2 months. Anyway i dunno if i spent quality time studying. But i did spend some quality time watching tv.
If there's no nice show on tv, i changed to the com, watch charmed in my com. Those past episodes. Very nice. V comfy. In other words... mugging is FUN! haha... quite a different view from others like timo whoever rite... Ya... weird me. I spend more time at home. Well, i spend ALL my time at home. I'm even too lazy to get downstairs to get lunch. I like slacking at home. Spend more time with my mother. Altho still will bicker, ya... but at least there's someone at home.
And i watch finish a hk serial between a mother-in-law and the wife. Quite ok, not too bad.. not too nice. Then started watching first few episodes of 妙手仁心III, nice leh.... wanna continue watching. Wait till my sis brings back more epi. So u see... my mugging time also co-existed with tv time and slacking time and eating time and singing time. My 精神粮食 is pretty much tv. And there's the new japan show, wah... and the 10pm channel u show. Getting heated up. So who says mugging's not fun?
Its just me and you <3 .
4:01 PM
Sunday, September 04, 2005
The muse is stilling going...
Overwhelmed man. Suddenly after one day i came to my blog den wala so many tags. Dunno what happen that trigger all these verbal diarrhoea as the funny (i think) GP teacher puts it. Anyway been reading other blogs, then something came to mind. If something has always been done that way in life, do we sit down and accept it as part of life or faith or at least try ways to alter that disillusioned world.
For once, i'm thinking even if this "elitism" notion is 根深蒂固 in our society, should we just condone it to stay the same and continue to give up hopes of a better future? Or try in minor ways of our own to change how things work. Even in that little bit that we can do? I mean, even if we do something as small as not condoning such a notion ourselves, perhaps we are on a way to something. Maybe not necessarily attaining something noble, or as drastic as changing the WHOLE WORLD. Okay, tt's an exaggeration on purpose. But i mean something as small as changing our own perception could go a long way. I mean everything needs a starter rite?
There are times when we know, in our guts, something's not right, but how often do we take action? Even when we do, we think abt the pros and cons and after evaluating how effective, or how cost-worthy this action will be, we still decide to forgo it. Why? Because sometimes we are too burdened by what worst can possibly happen that we forget what good can possibly go right. I mean, if I choose not to 同流合污 at times i can afford to choose to be so, maybe i'm earning back part of the conscience. That, in my opinion, is worthy of trying. While i know i cant accomplish anything big, maybe i'm just being true to myself, 讨个心安理得.
Afterall, living on earth for 40 or 50 or even longer, ultimately who remembers u when u die. Who cares how many As you get in your O levels? Who cares whether you pon school so many times? Ultimately, u are urself. Nobody else cares that much abt ur little details. U are the ones who will ultimately remember all e small deeds u do, and only u lament for it. So why make urself lament over all those possible things u can do and cry over never-spilled-before milk.
Its just me and you <3 .
1:57 PM
Saturday, September 03, 2005
One day after gp prelims, but still i have e urge to write a v v long essay. Well, today i was supposed to go for the PSC seminar, which i ultimately turned up for and it sux. Plainly put, it's really pointless to hear the same points reiterated. But hell, it made me even more sure i don't want to get a govt job and be tied down by a bond. Well, i did turn up something interesting out of it, anyway.
WEll, me, zhangrui, zebra were waiting for yuanwei at the mrt station. Then, we started talking abt why some girls opt or luv to wear skirts. Well, they were talking abt it, i was more of listening. Still, zr made a point that girls wear skirts to attract guys. I mean... eh... wt.. okok i aint that fumed actually. But it's kinda maddening to hear that, especially if that hints like everytime i wear a skirt, i'm seducing guys?! That makes no sense, isn't it? So i refute. Well, some girls do wear skirts to make them have some self-worth. I mean like it's their own self-identity.
Zebra somehow agreed. But the point was twisted into more of a negative connotation. Well, he kinda phrased it like ya... some girls well they wear skirts so that it makes they feel more feminine. The part i inferred was like well, in actual fact, actually they are just desperate to make themselves feel feminine when the fact is they aint. Okay... they sounds like criticism to me. For alot of girls. I mean there are girls out there who wear skirts because they wanna be like girls, n they are totally or really heck at tt time whether it attracts guys anot. Well, i did have that kinda feeling at times. There are times, when u are just so fed up with guys, u just wanna be gals n feel great. Who in the mind will have guys in their minds when they are dressing up to make themselves feel good. Aiya, i mean that's a really sweeping statement.
So on the train home, i was thinking. I understand their point, i mean i understand how their perspective came about from. But i don't agree with them. And at that time, i dont find it necessary to argue with them. Afterall, at the end of the day, they may still not get my point, so simply wont accept the point. So the conclusion i got was sometimes words dont really mean much. I mean my stand has always been that action stands more than words. Think, sometimes words just cant express as much as actions. And afterall, you don't really have a lot of time to speak. And there are always so many sides of the issue, u cant possibly talk and discuss abt all sides of it. And sometimes people don't mean what they say, or there's so much deception in words. So i trust action more than words. At least action is real. It's concrete and reflective of what you actually mean.
Talking abt which, still on the train, i was thinking abt the whole government thing and the Singapore syndrome thing. I mean ya...something in Singapore is shaping Singaporeans into followers, passive people rather than active citizens. We are always waiting for guidelines before we take action. There's a need for a safety boundary lines to be marked before we know what we can do. We are always waiting for people to direct us what to do, or at least tell us what not to do. Like what is illegal, define what is right or wrong for us. For interest sake, u know guys cant point the third finger to girls, but girls can do that to girls and guys alike, but guys can do that to guys. It's a criminal offense and u can get jailed.
Anyway, sometimes a lot of the rights n wrongs defined by god-knows-who are absolutely bewildering. I mean... huh? There are lots of norms set by society. For instance, the elite system. Although in name, they say PSC scholars may not necessarily be those with 2 S papers. But name me the v v few who got the scholarship and are w/o Ss?
Talking abt which, i really hate this "elite" system although i sometimes benefit from it. Firstly, i somehow don't understand why elites must be eloquet. Okay i'm not eloquet, so that explains my dislike for eloquets. Ya la to some extent true. Also notice how i don't have much trust in words. I've met people who are v good in words, but when u ask them to take actions, they are all words and no work. Okay i do agree for elites, they have to convey their ideas, but i don't understand the discrimination against the unspoken. All this talk abt giving a voice to the minority, but do they realise this minority comprises of a portion who have grievances but couldn't or wont speak up? Do we simply blame them simply because they don't speak it.
In my school, i've seen teachers practice outright favoritism. Well, today, i'm not really in the mood to be good girl. I just came to the conclusion 人善被人欺, 狗善被人骑. I made that up myself btw. Sometimes if you r so accomodating, u keep in mind not to sae hurting things abt others, you play e 好好人 but people sae u are downright 没骨气, no stand. But when u stand up to your beliefs, others say you are insensitive. That's why i don't like words, there are so many sides of it, it just makes u even more confused and 摇摆不定. So why not just ignore all those 疯言疯语 and keep to your principles.
Well, i always like dreams because they are so real. There's the perfect setting whether it's a nightmare or wad, because u r being so real. Even though it may be scaring, the things there are real. Kind of an irony isn't it? So now, i'm thinking, be it like wanlin they all influencing me to be more girl, i can choose to accept it or not. But i will still live with it, i cant and won't change them to be like me. But likewise, they cannot force it upon it. If i like the influence, i can gladly accept it. If like i don't like the elite system, i can choose not to go by it, but i won't influence others. If i am really so against it, i can even go into the lengths to change it. Maybe in all these controversaries and changes, the only constant is being true to yourself. Don't force yourself to like things u dont like, like people u dont like, or change yourself to suit a system.
Oh ya... i was talking abt the elite system. After being in my school for two years, i've seen alot of faces, alot of people. Well, i should be summing up all my 12 years of schooling. I came from a not-well-known neighborhood school to a more well-know primary school. The first thing i learnt was those from neighborhood sch arent necessarily worst than those from renowned schools. Well, those in the renown sch learnt vulgarities at an even younger age than those in neighborhood schools. Well, i was often flooded by vulgarities directed at me by my juniors (p2/3) at my second school.
After which, i go up to my sec sch. Actually i love my sec sch, had lots of fond memories studying, training, be it with my teachers or fellow classmates. Lots of fun. Then i got into a good JC. Like what my GP teacher says, say wadeva u like on your blog, but don't smear the name of your school. So i shall follow her instructions. It was a totally different envt. I dunno whether this is unique to my class or to a few individuals, but the level of competitiveness in my class is extremely high. I've got the feeling people establish their sense of worth by stepping over others, and often at the sake of others. I've told my mom from the start of last year tt my class is like that, n i predict something like tt would happen, but she didnt believe me. Instead she told me to brave it through. Alright, i'm into the last half of the second year, and sure enough, i'm seen enough, been through enough to know i don't want to become like that. And i fear i've become like tt. The more i tot abt it, e more i fear it. And the more i wanna run away from it.
Being in this class, and being in the position caught between the v-good-elites and not-so-good ppl in class, i'm in a precaurious position, i must say. Well, on one hand, i have dreams, ambitious ones. On the other hand, i'm sick and tired of the vying, the competition, the putting down of others to make yourself feel better. What i see is a lack of help to the so-called non-elites. Looking down on them, in fact. And the crux of the problem is... i'm close to the so-called non-elites. I know they dont deserve that treatment, but to hell, i cant do a single thing. I think of the years ahead. Do i want this kinda life? Competitive, ruthless and unfeeling colleaques?
To tell you the truth, no. I want to pursuit my dreams, the truth of life, of happiness in absolute freedom of mind and body. I want a conscience-free life, where i can truly say i have not done a single thing that defies my conscience. I want to be able to die one day and be proud abt the life i've lived. To be proud of every single friend because i have not betrayed them in any single way and has been absolutely truthful and frank to every single one of them. To hell, i hadn't been able to be so for the past years. I wanna change it. I'm sick and tired of such a life in fact. And i'm gonna change it. I want to change it, surely and carefully. I mean no one is perfect in this world. No one is born flawless. Maybe i've been wrong in the past. But i want to change that. The past years have been torturous to recall, or relive because i had no aim in life. I forsaked my principles. Forsake my dreams for wad, i wasn't sure.
I think i was caught in the Singapore syndrome. The dream to live a perfect life. Ya... to be a perfect Singaporean. I strive so hard to be perfect, and end up feeling so terrible abt my failures, i forget to look for what i had succeeded in. The fact that i've become so "kiasu" has made me forget what it means to help unconditionally. The fact that I have become so calculative abt benefits and loss, that i have forgot the meaning of geneosity and unconditionality. I'm caught in the minute gains and loss that i've lost the big picture of humanity perhaps. Maybe the fact that i'm finally enlightened could be a small step to something big.
Its just me and you <3 .
4:23 PM