Friday, April 29, 2005
I think a blog is v impt to me. well, i dun usually behave like i do on blog or sae things out on blog. I think cos i'm too cui ruo to talk or act like this in real life. Just now got this talk show on blogging. I dun find it so bad. I dun understand y the adults there treat blogging like some crime. It's so natural to me. So impt. I dun like their way of criticising it when they dun see it in this light. I dun think they even think of its right n importance. Well, i think i just dun like them trying to act as if they know everything n try to make others think e same way as them. I think aft talkshow, many parents will think of blog as like tt also. That makes things even worst.
Well, just had a big fight with my mother. Well, i always fight with her so it's ya... i dun care la... well i do care. I just dun feel like talking abt it now. It's not abt e over-night thingy, it's abt alot of stuff. more to do with our relation than of any other thing now. So ya... e prob is not just like e superficial thing abt staying over, it's more of how she treat me, how i treat her, how we just cannot see eye to eye. I make things worse cos i could nv stay n talk abt it. Okay la... i mean ya... i noe all e things abt communication, but i just cant stand talking to her when she apparently dun even bother to see things from my side. She treats me like this small gal. I cant stand tt. I can understand things, but she didnt seem to recognise tt. N dun tewl me u r always a little gal in her eyes, cos i noe it. Doesnt mean she can treat me like tt. Always trying to show me wads right n wrong.
N u noe e stupidest thing i've been trying to do...i've always been trying to stop myself from showing i'm unhappy. End up i'm more unhappy. When i wan to cry i close e door of my room, end up like she scold halfway... no we quarrel halfway den i run off. I just cant stand it la. Den we always cant finish a conversation. I cant tewl her my point, cos she's bz scolding,i'm too caught up crying to really listen. but i still feel like i'm right, she doesnt listen to me. I mean all i ask for is listen n try to understand. There's alot of things i nv sae, so tt doesnt mean she's right. She doesnt get tt point. N there's no way i can put tt across. Damn shitty situation.
Den others ask me... tt's too personal. I just cant sae it out so type here better. At least i wun say n cry at same time. Much more able to communicate thro blog la. Tt's y blog v v impt to me. So dun always sae y my blog posts so cham, eh... my blog or ur blog. Ok... tt sounded abit harsh. wad i meant was... blogging let me fa xie n tewl ppl wad i feel ma. So mei ban fa, i always dun sae these -ve things out. So by contrast my blog seems v sad like tt.so... ya... i think tt's y i v good frenz with zhi. Think main thing is she not same sch as me, not always around me. But when we meet, we will tok abt anything. Sometimes tok abt e past, wad really really affects me. Den when we tok, will kai jie me. Cos by tt time, i will have calmed down n will sae it out so it's like i wun be always so sad. Den can listen to wad she sae. Since it happen so long, i wun feel pressurised to sae it when i feel v sad. I mean i alr so sad liao, i dun wan to sae k. So ya... man man lai. Den somemore i will tewl her so it means it's over. I dun feel burdened u noe... instead feel v shuang when sae it out.
So somemore she not v shou with my current social circle, so i dun feel pressure like she will tell wad i sae to others. i mean with her i v relaxed, qing song. So v shuang. Tt's e feeling i dun get with any other ppl. Haha... mei ban fa la. Hu asks she's my only kindergarten fren left n somemore so lao de frens, she noes me so well, i dun feel e pressure to always update her on things. Take things in my stride is also quite a good thing. I dun wan offend any1 ar... but my character is like tt one. Mei ban fa. Den today i realise no use trying to act happy when i'm not, or trying not to let ppl see i'm sad. I mean.. i'm really sad no use rite. Wads e use... ppl dun understand wad u really mean wad. They dunno wad sacrifices u made... how tong ku u feel, so no point. y make myself so cham... k today shu ku enuff. Will start another time haha.
Its just me and you <3 .
10:19 PM
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Dunno since when... my dreams are all nightmares. e first which i can recall is abt vnr ppl n me in a field in changi. U noe near the hawker centre. We r in e jungle, den there are these jap soldiers. We were fighting against them. Den suddenly i woke up.
Den there is another time, i remmber i was with my family i think at a weird beach. The beach is rocky n there's a cliff behind us. e tide was initially low so we were camping there. Den e tide came n we were in e water. e scene sorta resemble CHarlie's angel tt beach. Den suddenly we were trying to swim out.. dunno to where. But i v frightened leh.. like something chasing us... i cant remmeber liao.. too long.
Still got several scary episodes in btw. i can only remmber yesterdae's. I dun really remmber, i just noe my parents are killing each other. Damn scary. Den there was this dream... shit...forgot liao..noe got abt a lot of er xin stuff... hiding.. .aiyo forgot liao. Aiya.. i can remmber one is today's one. e setting is at home. my family was doing everyday's work den suddenly like war was coming. We started packing... we do things v quietly. I can remmber things like getting my phone, my watch, this necklace no use dun bring.. all v vivid. My family was going to fly away on a plane.
Den i remmber calling yiling, ask her when did e jap came into spore. wad time.den she said she remmbered it was tt day at 720. I looked at e time... 10 mins left. Argh... it's like i'm calling some1 in e future... alamak. Den out of all e windows, there are these jap ninjas sliding up e cables... like surrounding us. Die attack so soon liao ar... gosh... den i woke up.
Weird rite? Why e sudden obsession with jap? I also have no idea.
Its just me and you <3 .
6:47 PM
Haha... every1 thanks for ur encouraging msgs. Haha... there is a time where we get cynical of ourselves, doubt ourselves. I guess that was the time. Anyway back to e present. Since sat, i'm sick. Sat morning i'm awaken by esther's fone call. I was in the dazed mood then, of course. We were supposed to go for e efiling thing. But after awhile, i dun feel alright. I felt feverish n there was this v numbing pain in my skull.i almost want to crack it open n get e pain out of it. Den my mother was not v concerned. QI SI REN! So i was there soaking a wet towel n putting it on my forehead... doing all i can by myself. I ask my sis to help me get some duck porridge, but she's too engrossed in her jap drama to care. My mother just came back... n i forgot wad she was engrossed with.
So feeling sick n damn kelian, i spent e remaining day, taking temperature, soaking myself n dozing off on e sofa. Panadols doesn't seem to work its thing. I ate 2, but e temp is still always more than 37.5oC i dunno if tat's high, it should be quite high rite? if not during SARS, they wun be monitoring ppl above 37.5oC. But e max i reached was like 38.4oC i think. I'm also not sure la... my thermometer's kinda bonkers. When it reads 38.4oC, i kinda concluded it's spoilt. Den when i take e temp again, it reads 36.5oC???! Arghh change 2oC in wad? 2 secs? Eh.... but it's still around 38+ when i took again.Of course i cant really remmber which day i'm at now. Should be sunday.
I woke up... my sis seems more concerned liao. I ask her whether i should see doc. She told me to drink water. Like wad have i been trying to do e whole day yesterdae? Breathe air? I drank so many cups... okay quite a few..of e barley my mother cooked until in e middle of e night, i ls.erks. So i just went down n see e doc. I dunno izzit myself or wad... e world seems shaky. It's only slightly thank goodness. I think i'm a bit lethargic.Cos my conversation with e doc is like tt...
Doc: What's e prob?
Me: I think high fever, n v painful headache.
Doc: How long is this prob?
Me: 2 days
Doc took a ear thermometer reading: Yep high fever
Me (y nv tewl me wad temp)
Silence.... he scribble stuff..
Doc take out e bloodpressure thingy help me take...silence
Doc took out a torch, big torch n shine from afar: OPen ur mouth big
Doc: Look there... den listen to my heartbeat n i think my lungs?
Doc: DO you have a cough?
Me: yes
Doc: Wad's e color of e phlegm?
Me: Eh... there's no phlegm.
Doc: So it's dry cough.
Me: I think i wanted to vomit too
DOc: Vomit?!
Me: Wanted to.
Doc: So today predominantly is headache?
Me:eh... yep.
Silence.... more scribble....more more scribble.
Doc: u schooling? (nod) So i'll give u tml's MC.
Me (wanna ask... so serious ar...tml somemore... wanna ask can i still go sch, but scully he take back e mc, forget it)
Doc: I'll give u some antibiotics also.
Me(wah! long time nv hear of this word liao they still giving meh? Got so serious not)
OKay den i'm out of e clinic... $32 lesser n 4 packets of medicine plus one bottle of cough syrup.Went home den my sister offered me a cheese bread. I haben eat breakfast n that's e only food in e house. Cheese.. i wanna vomit. So i run back to my room. Okay nothing happen good. My mum came home... knew wad happen n got downstairs to buy me porridge n vomit pills. $3.20 lesser. now i have 5 packs of pills n 1 bottle of cough syrup. After i eat e pills, my fever immediately subsidise. WHich is v good. But e headache... i'm eating painkiller, of course it has to subside. BUt when i dun eat... it comes back. Damn i hate painkillers.
N suddenly i realise i didnt ask e doc wad am i suffering from? High fever? That's an ailment? I went online, check out causes of high fever. My case like peanuts la. It's not considered high... it's a sudden onset of fever, less than 100F, okay slightly in e range of HIGH.strep cough... brain tumor...alot of weird weird things will suddenly cause this. Of cos it seems more possible to be flu. But this flu v qiang.. i nv so cham guo. i was always slping all e time. Muscle ache... okay yesterdae n today my balance is like completely no more. Ear fluid balance? OKay i didnt even bother to phrase tt part. I just walk ma bok.
yesterdae i cant even walk in a straight line. When i move slightly, i'm like on a v v shaky boat. Today i'm better, so i went to school. Haha but right at e start, just b4 assembly. Wanlin was toking to me... den suddenly i see her mouth move, i hear a lot of sounds.. i cant make out when they are coming from... i hear lots of sound around me. Den i was putting my hands up... ar wait wait i told wanlin. Okay den it finally all came back to me. OKay... i was momentally distanced from everyone.. u noe like they always sae out of ur body experience? abit like tt... abit.Wah... this one too terrible liao, after holly's one chem lect, i went home. Tml pls dun like tt again! Why i so cham i also dunno. I think i'm v white today, pls tewl me hor.. if really. kk gtg. NExt time tewl ya abt e nightmares i'm having. Damn kong bu.
Its just me and you <3 .
5:36 PM
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Devil: Hey! This gal seriously is insane in here sia... she keeps thinking abt wad's right, wad's wrong. What seems alright, wad seems bad... aiyo it's all raging in e brain.
Angel: Give the gal a break man... she's going through a tough time.
Devil: What tough time? Depression. Cocks la. That's an excuse she made up la. When is she ever depressed. She nv even visited a doctor. How can she be so sure? I'm pretty sure it's because her personality is flawed.
Angel: I think out of e logical sense, depression is the only sensical thing to explain her havoc life n mind, n behaviour. I mean... she's just how old. Spare her la. She's already brave to think she got depression.
Devil: How e hell is that brave? That's bull man! She's just trying to make her siao ways more justifiable. I mean depression is e best way to pull a bluff on others. Trying to disguise your personality flaw.
Angel: What personality flaw? i mean u sae she's not depression, but that's not certain, so u cant refute e point that she may be really in depression mode.
Devil: Enough of this depression mode. Wad personality flaw? It's so obvious. She's so freakily fake cant u tewl? I mean u really believe e bull she tewls u? Okay for one, she try to act cool when she's not. She tries to act sei when she's obviously e lannest around. She trying to push e blame to others when she's obviously damn lan. She tries to act boss, but she's not.
Angel: Hang on a minute sia. What are u talking abt? Do you have any concrete egs? These are assumptions right?
Devil: Okay... obviously u've been around her during class. Sometimes she obviously cannot understand wad is going on. But she act smart. She fake la. Give lame excuses. Den always try to deceive herself by saying she will pia harder next time.
Angel: But isn't that alright, i mean pia at some time not all e time. U cant be a saint all e time. And she noes she's not smart at all, she tries to show tt to ppl also wad.
Devil:okay wadeva, den obviously look at her... do u think she's cool? Or even a tinny winny of any substance? No right. Piece of shit. So plain. N somemore so uncouth. N always try to act as if she dun care abt appearances, when e fact is she cannot do anything abt it. So just act like she dun care.
Angel: Of course she wanna look good. who doesn't. But she just doesn;t want ppl to think of her as a try-to-act-mei-but-bu-mei person. She wants to give ppl an impression of independent, smart, strong girl. Mei people aint always independent n strong.
Devil: that's her assumption. Den she zi lian until tot a fren admit he likes her. N e farniest thing? She forgot hu e fren is refering to. She or their fren? Great. N now she thinks she mistaken her fren's meaning?
Angel: OKay... that's abit zilian. But tt's natural wad. I mean anyone in her case could have misunderstood. I mean both just briefly tok abt tt topic wad. Brush it off lightly... aiya v prone to misunderstanding. Obviously she cant clarify with her fren rite, looks so despo.
Devil: But she is, isn't she? If not in e first place, she won't have mistaken.
Angel: Told u it's natural ma.
Devil: Hu noes it's natural.
Angel: Hu noes if it's not natural?
Devil: Okay wadeva e shit... she also try to act leader.
Angel: Wad act leader? She is just trying to get things done. I mean shouldnt her enthusiasm be appreciated? she dares to take on responsibility, isn't it commendable?
Devil: Wah... u sound so fake sia. So responsible, we must love her, adore her. Wad e hell. Sound so much like her. Hu asks u keep hanging out around her.
Angel: U also always hang out around her.
Devil: But e thing is... she try to take charge sometimes, if she wants things done her way. But it kinda interfere with others.I mean like some things should be done by pres. U r just a qm, y cha-p in? No position to do tt wad. No position to throw tempers on others wad.
Angel: That's only on impulse. u think of it... someitmes if u dun wan to take charge, u can nv get things to be done ur way, which could be correct. Majority dun always win.
Devil: That's just plain selfish.
Angel: No that's fighting for ur right n place. Other than e pres thing... ya she did make a conscious effort to avoid any action tt mean be deemed as trying to snatch e limelight. She always make it a point to counsel e pres wad. At least most of e time. E campfire she also discuss with e OIC ma.
Devil: Den wad abt e passing wed? She sorta scolded e pres. Okay no... should be e gateway ICs. N whose fault is it? ICs fault or AIC's fault?
Angel:I mean i understand her position. She did her part in telling one of e ICs, but she didnt tewl e pres, who is e other IC. She tot e IC informed will discuss with e pres IC ma. But it turns out otherwise. Den pres IC blame her, wad do u think she can do? Okay she admit it's an information breakdown. But is she actually at fault. She's AIC, not some bao mu u noe. She cant babysit every1, every com.
Devil: Hey hey but it's not suppose to be gateway to be up. Gateway is informed at e v last minute. E pres is stressed also. She cant rem e struct remmber?
Angel: Ya... she noes tt... so she doesnt wanna point fingers at one another. She thinks there's no point anyway. It will only lead to more quarrels, den more time wasted on quarreling than actual quality time spent on work. She just wan to start work so that they can keep to schedule. U noe how lag all e coms at? How stressed she is. And how it seems to her like she's e only one anxious.
Devil: So that's why she's having tots abt scolding those irresponsible ppl?
Angel: Ya... of course... i mean like if u see how irresponsible these ppl are... wun u wanna scold them too? Get some sense into them. Make them understand u being e AIC, doesnt mean u r In charge of all e things. If anything wrong it's your fault. You didnt inform me. U never tewl me. I dun have to take responsibility. I mean u r e com heads for respective coms. Wad goes wrong in ur com is ur responsibility. U need to grow up man! Seriously dun try to shift responsibility. U r 18, stop being childish.
Devil: Hey angel... i should be e one whos saying tt. But hu is she to them man? She dun have e right to scold them.
Angel: BUt she's e one hu really care. Y should some1 hu really care be punished cos of other ppl's irresponsibilities? Why should she clear up their lan tan zi? Try desperately to change e schedule or compromise to suit e com heads. But e com heads have e half-hearted, heck-care attitude.
FIrst, they come unprepared.THey expect ICs to help them do e job, like if anythin goes wrong, find e ICs. It's already v tormenting for e ICs to come up with new things whenever something out of wad they planned cropped up. Second, when e ICs are slogging their way to make e campfire a success, wad r e heads doing? Quarreling, slacking...dependent, going off to watch polo when we r obviously lacking in manpower. N e prob she is facing is how to get them to be more responsible. Do you think talking will put some sense into them. U need to scold them.
For goodness sake, time is damn tight. They don't seem to catch tt. Either tt or they just heck. N e ICs are on tight budget. U cant just suddenly overbudget, and wans us to give u more $. They should just stop thinking they are still in sch. For goodness sake, this is e real world, u r making deals with business, with e outside world. There's no longer this teacher or subsidies or safety net for u to fall onto. It's not like if u dun haf enuff money, u can simply get money from ur parents. Stop being childish. U need to wake up n see that nothing in e world is free. If u r e head, behave like a head. Think adult!
Devil: Okay, tt's a long speech. But howta u noe they didnt put in enuff effort. Every1 wans a break. THey are not exco anyway, most of them. U cant pressurize them to do wad u wan. They are not perfect, they cannot live up to ur expectations. U cannot think of them as perfect working machines.
ANgel: Well, she's a workaholic. If she can do it, why cant the others do it? She's bz, she's got a couple of S, she's staying back for more meetings than e others. She's planning a lot of stuff. She still got tt stupid kayaking 1 star course to recruit ppl. It's being dragged for so long.
Devil: hey, u hafta noe not every1's life revolve around CCA, this campfire... or wadeva. They got a life... their lovelifes... studies aiya wadeva la life. Is she doesn't wan a life, let them haf theirs.
Angel:She has a life. She busied herself with lots of stuff. She's fulfiled
Devil: Fulfil my foot. She's just trying to drown herself with work so that she wun have to think. Den she wun realise how flawed her personality is. How fake she is. How confused she is... over these angel n devil thingies.
Angel:Ya... she's trying to drown herself with work, so that she wun think too much n become so extreme she becomes depressed. That's perfectly justifiable man.
Devil: Wadeva la. So what does she wants now?
Angel: I have no idea. I'm so confused over these right n wrong things. I'm even confused whether i'm e angel or devil now. Maybe she is desperate for an outlet. For someone to enlighten her.
Devil: aiya... tt's just crap, she just wans ppl to care abt her. To shower her with love n care. Attention-seeking faker.
Angel: No.. it's perfectly human man. I mean insiders r often blind by things. Outsiders could give her a better view of how to get out of this dillemnia. It could.
Devil: N who's her knight in armour?
Angel: Anyone? maybe no one? I have no idea.
Its just me and you <3 .
8:19 PM
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Yoz ppl, someppl keep asking me to blog.... bleah... bz cannot meh.. wanna slp... see la all u all e fault. Eh... lemme think last sat hike was quite okay. Fun... our group won e first prize, $50 voucher hoho! we win e scouts group hoho! anyway we didnt go kayaking so sad... nvm will haf chance, but we went to watch be cool. Weird language but e plot is nice. E culture in USA totally diff la so dun understand their jokes, their yoz heys wadeva la...anyway tt day we were toking abt vnr... abt how it may close down. DEn we are thinking of ways like... merge with tchs.... erks. Or try to revive. Susanti propose to tailor our activities to those ppl like, like noe wad they wan via surveys.. but sus where r u?! anyway... sian la... wad to do. Wad can we do. Was toking to adam, aiya true la we compared to other scouts.. really more lan. But see we only 1 year 1 1/2 years? Compared to them 4 years? Of course la.
Nvm. Den kayaking 1 star course no body answer me yet except for one person. N where's e tahan ppl? No answer? Sad need 5 more ppl to form a class. I wan 2 star. 1 star cannot go on, den 2 star how?! Adam still ask me 3 star. I dun mind la. tt day susanti was asking wanna go learn things like repair bikes bla bla. I interested la but no lobang. Sounds abit mad rite. but learn repair bikes den next time go biking wun scare halfway spoil. Den i wanna join e sea sports club leh... can learn alot windsurf blabla. Den i see this SAC online, can go on expeditions, mount opir bla bla sounds v tahan. Haha... i wanna try alot of stuff la. But i like not zai, not good enuff den go try so malu. Like wanna act zai, not zai. But just for interest only ma.. Wanna find ppl pei me also so nan sad case.
Nvm... on e bus today suddenly was thinking wth is mei? E definition of beauty u noe. diff ppl got diff shen mei gan, like got bimbotic kind. got cute kind. got i dunno alot of types. men n women see mei differently also. Dunno how other ppl see beauty, quite interested to noe also. some body share with me?
Its just me and you <3 .
9:25 PM