Friday, January 21, 2005
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You Are "Dizzy and Giddy" |
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Its just me and you <3 .
11:20 PM
11:20 PM
So cute! haha
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You Are a Dachshund Puppy |
Loyal and playful - with a good hunting instinct. You sometimes go a little crazy and need to chase down a rabbit or two. |
Its just me and you <3 .
10:00 PM
10:00 PM
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
STOP! If u had a rather good impression of me, or think i'm still rather good, pls stop here n dun read... cos i gonna self-criticise myself quite abit...
sigh sigh i'm still not v well... even tho i sae i'm okay, i'm not exactly sure i'm okay. I'm not even sure izzit i attitude or wad. But when i go home alone, i feel damn depressed. I look around... like no one i really really feel comfortable about. Okay... not sae i ostro any1 of u... but cos i dun like to talk much... esp when i feeling damn bad, i just wanna shuddup. If i'm not in e mood to talk n i'm forced to talk, i feel damn restricted n fake. eh... gals like to talk to made known or understand their feelings... but guys like to offer solutions... seriously i dunno who i prefer to tewl my problems to... mabbe my blog... that's y it's always so long. Cos i'm talking to my blog. Few hours of convo condensed into one entry leh... So dun complain. Blog is my personal companion. I talk to him to understand how i feel... so i always write long long, weird weird, sometimes even contradictory stuff, den finally i will understand myself i hope. Haha...
Like e compre we did today, this is a side effect of this stupid education system. We care so much for academic results, so much so we dun care a heck abt our xin li. WTH... dao tou lai, realise this past year was sorta wasted. Piaing hw dunno for wad... A levels? Some cert? In e end, no use. Peer pressure, my class so smart, so pia... stupid S makes me wanna pia. In e end, realise it only adds to my pressure. I wanna return to e slack slack, heck care abt everything, sometimes guai do tutorial ruyan, den feel free to play bball.. play wadeva i wan... no restrictions, shiok. I wanna return to be happy happy jovial... but e thing is not just relac.
Relac cant help... seriously my personality is the type haf to really understand wad i really feel, so get to the root of the problem, at least understand e problem, den i will shuang liao. No matter if it is solved. But i need some1 to make me understand my problems... but tt some1 is v difficult to find. E timing has to be right, e place, e atmosphere, most impt myself. most of e time i can only tok on msn, i cant do it face to face... i just get too sad. Too sad over wad? i also dunno.. i still dunno... So annoying.... y i still dunno wad i upset over....
Even if there is some1 to tok to, often mabbe my communication skills got prob, or the person dun understand me, or i'm just reluctant to tok abt it, or mabbe it's a raw injury, i just dunwan to open it subconsciously... or i tok tok den later think of some other things relevant but we already change topic, i cant possibly go back to the previous topic rite... mao dun.... i'm so mao dun... today during vnr, my mood damn bu shuang. i mean i bu shuang over everything.... think e main crux is cos everything is so unsatisfying
First e turnout is like shit... e juniors who turn up... okay la.. but they seem uninterested anyway... alot of problems still occur within seniors also. I mean seniors should also be enthuing learning how to cook... but seriously how many are learning? how many r trying out themselves... chickens are halfcooked... er diao... eat n cook at same time, there's not really a sense of unity. At least try to include others... do u haf to ostro others until so obvious... at least during e session la... dun make it so damn obvious. Well.. e main thing is i also feel damn sai.. cos i'm partly e reason also.. e segregation also... i cant blame them totally. I mean i wan to blame them... but at e same time i cant blame them at all...
i dunwan to find excuses for myself anymore... i find so many excuses for myself everytime.. i feel so damn fake. I wanna be myself... gan admit, gan do.. gan gan lai... but i cant... stupid responsibility, stereotype, image, alot alot of shitty stuff..... i wan time for myself.. time for my own, yet i feel lonely like tt.... u noe how shitty i feel, so mao dun, so fake, so dunno wad to do... i'm totally lost... i dunno wad to do... cos i dun haf my philosophy to follow. It's so easy to just sae forget tt la... it's no prob at all... u think too much... or u too pessimistic liao.. but it is a prob. It doesnt solve e crux. I dun feel any value in my life... i lost all my vision.. i lost myself... i dunno how to behave, how to react, wad to do at anytime. It's quite pathetic... my whole moral system is suddenly being questioned.... by myself.... tat's sounds even wau lau! WTH... think so much for wad... but i just cant help myself...
Okay i wun find any excuses... i'm just plain stupid to be questioning myself... zi xuan fan nao... i should just keep oblivious... baici.... but really i need to find a recharger fast n soon. Some1 pls just make me understand wad i just wrote... cos i dun really noe half of wad i just wrote is right not... feel so stupid... need some1 to justify for me...
Its just me and you <3 .
9:19 PM
9:19 PM
Friday, January 14, 2005
sometimes... it just doesnt pay to be clear-headed, well too clear-headed or mb not clear-headed. Eh... i blur also. Actually this (those things i wrote below) happens to every1, i noe tt, ppl tewl me tt, but i take it too seriously liao. I make it so serious, like i got a character flaw. Which to some extent is true... cos i had avoidant personality. Lemme c... i think i already had this problem with self-esteem last year... maybe after pw, got a breakdown already. But i use vnr to preoccupy my time n attention. I feel weird when i dun do anything so i just become absorbed into planning for land ex. Do all those extra fei stuff. Actually nothing really trigger me to think abt this prob until now again.
True... i think i face this exact problem during e previous breakdown. Dun wish to tok abt tt time again. Still cant face it. But this time... i think is everything just pile up, den suddenly everything around me... i just feel no longer in control. Tink tt threatens my self-esteem, eh... got identity crisis. Everything just seems clearer now. Wad i say b4 to explan wad happen previously... seriously i think it's bull now. Haha... suddenly i'm enlightened, thanx zichao. okay... now i feel much better. Seriously think i need to relac somewhere n find something to recharge me. But i seriously have no idea where i can find e recharger... sigh man man find ba!
Its just me and you <3 .
10:03 PM
10:03 PM
Damn pathetic life...mugging... mugging n mugging. CCAs stuff.. alot of probs. Eh dunno howta start. Lemme c.. gonna be v v bz.. dunno how to arrange my time. Monday got badminton training, when Maths S starts, den i no time train also. Or train b4 Maths S... damn sian. Wed got VNR, thurs got chem S i think. Den so late reach home. Friday got badminton n VNR, which one should i go? Can go half half? But badminton competition coming up leh!
I dunno how to split myself up la...badminton training... i wanna train la.. but come to hc liao i kinda hate pt liao! But comp coming hafta pt! I wanna go vnr leh... but bad comp coming.. needa go training ma. I wanna find other slots to train but still no time... stupid S papers. S papers... i wanna take physics i dunwan chem! But wad the hell... y did i choose physics? Cos i kao too lan for physics... but i like physics alot.. n i'm much better in physics... Why on e earth did i choose physics?
Dunno leh... badminton training w/o a coach is damn pathetic, dun feel e urge to train.. Play until so lan.. dunwan to play lo...when we train ourselves.. it's like u dun feel a need to practice drills. I need somebody to shout at me to run, to go! But it's like nobody does tt. When i gets overly excited during e game... i like so zuai, but i just wanna spice things up... but c them so sian... i even more sian diao. When they happily toking abt e schedule, i'm like sian... i hate pt! Sigh... sigh...
Den vnr.. got a bunch of good friends la... but also got clinques problem... segregation problem. Exco vs non-exco problems. Xiuzhen vs non-xiuzhen prob. TIC vs students prob. Seniors worrying abt juniors' problem. Lemme c.. vnr altho take up alot of my time last year, it also provided me with a lot of jing sheng support n joy la... it's not totally like e activities tt attract, it's more like e people. But now.. i'm like caught btw both ccas n stupid S.
Den cca got prob attracting ppl. I suggest flying fox to attract ppl, i noe difficult to implement, but surely if we try, we can do it rite? I wanna do it, but li bu chong xing. Den cca fragmented la... not v v big prob, will like break up e cca. But it's v nan shou to have something like tt when we had some good times together. VNR is like now... an wei to me, looking forward to orientation or something to occupy my time lo. I think i getting abit workaholic liao. but... i dunno...
Sometimes, i think i also quite lonely la. Like xiuzhen. But xiuzhen got ppl support also ma.. like eugene, eunice. I noe i got alot la. But e prob is i close up la. I cant just fa xie out n blurt everything out like wanlin. When i finally can sae things out.. either is last resort before i burst or i already over it liao. If i'm over it liao wads e pt of talking abt it? Wana find ppl to chat, as in liao xing shi, i also dunno hu to trust suddenly. i mean totally open up n chat... w/o gu l"u at all.. so difficult. y am i like tt sia...sad la damn sad life.
Its just me and you <3 .
9:18 PM
9:18 PM
Saturday, January 08, 2005
some people, apparently, are complaining that i wrote extremely long entries... waisan, not toking abt u... class joke la... those idiot guys.. anyway Hahah tt's just me... i'm long-winded. I've a problem with words or speech, apparently communicating...rather not tok about it..
I'm apparently in quite a foul mood now... cant explain y, dunno howta explain... e weather? e school? waking up early? forgetting to bring things also? cca? myself? others? apparently e last two is e biggest problem la... but just cant pinpoint wad's e problem... okay i'm fedup people is keeping things from me... i'm fedup at myself... i'm fedup for being fedup... i feel like an idiot, a damn idiot. i feel er diao at myself... by being an idiot. i'm in no mood to do hw.. altho i've got tons to finish... i wanna chat... but sian... dunno wad to chat... sian~
Its just me and you <3 .
5:09 PM
5:09 PM